Laila.

I guess I can start with an update on life.

Life has been busy, exciting, stressful, blissful and exhausting.

No one day is ever the same  - there's always good intertwined with the bad & I'm trying to embrace that.

Some mornings start terribly and end better than I could have imagined, while the opposite may also occur. I'm always on my toes, and I guess that's the result of the job that I have.

I can say that I'm happy though.

Not the kind of happy I used to force through my smile to keep people from asking questions - this is a genuine happy, and it's been a while since I've felt it. 

Sometimes I look back on the last 18 months of my life and I just have to stop & say W T F.

How did I live in such darkness?

How did I survive that kind of pain and anguish?

Do I even deserve the happiness that I feel now?

Some days I wake up and I wonder what kind of hurricane is going to plow through my life and uproot every ounce of stability I've worked so hard to plant. 

I'm sure that isn't the best mindset to have, but after getting so used to such terrible days, it's hard to not wonder if all of my good days are limited.

I think that's just the anxious person in me, though.

If you know me, you know that my intensity level is always on high and that I'm almost always worried about something or someone.

Believe me, I wish that wasn't the case.

I warrant my own stress and I'm the sole cause of my own freak outs.

{I'm working on it, I promise.}

Nonetheless, I feel so grateful for the place that i'm at today.

My heart is bursting at the seems most days, my smile is unforced and constant and my faith in blessings continues to grow daily.

Sometimes I really struggle to find things worth writing about in here.

I don't have any cool fashion tips to give, I don't know how to contour make up and as much as I love working out, the extent of my fitness advice would be to not eat pizza as often as I do...

It seems as though the bar for blogging is constantly being raised and I feel a little intimidated to share any thoughts I have because, well, in all reality- who cares what I have to say?

The mundane nature of my everyday life doesn't exactly provide much writing material and my opinions about most subjects couldn't possibly bring excitement to anyone's ears. 

But then I have these moments where I have to remind myself that this isn't for anyone else.

I don't write to appease people.

 I don't do it in hopes of winning a nobel prize.

I do it because I enjoy it. 

Because I feel a sense of comfort in recording my thoughts, no matter how vulnerable they may be.

One of my favorite things to do is go back & read old posts from college... even though it's incredibly embarrassing as well.
I was so good at recording every memory, every hard day, every experience...
And while i'm fortunate for that, I'm saddened by the lack of memories I've locked into here these last few years.

So I'm challenging myself to start writing more...
I think I say that a lot, so I don't know how much validity my words hold, but I'm going to try.