Laila.

I was scrolling through the "explore" section on instagram the other day...

and believe it or not, as much as I love Instagram, I rarely ever use this feature. 

I didn't really understand it to be honest.

But before I knew it, I was sucked in. 

I was amazed at all of the pictures I got to see. 

Vacation spots that I didn't know existed.

Girls in bikinis with perfect figures.

Shirtless men playing soccer with sweat that shined like glitter. 

Cars that I could never afford. 

Outfits that I thought only existed on Pinterest. 

The envious girl in me was wide awake.
How in the world am I ever going to be able to keep a guy when there's a million girls out there who look that good?
How will I ever be a good enough mom or wife compared to those "fit moms" who use their children as dumbbells and make homemade bread daily?
I clicked back over to my instagram page and the pictures that I was once so proud to post, looked dull in comparison.
I hated that feeling.
I remembered a phase in my life when I used social media as a determining factor for my sense of security.
I went out of my way to take cool pictures and waited anxiously to see how many likes I would get.
I was often disappointed at the results.
My pictures were just never good enough.
And then somewhere along the way, things changed.
I took a step back from this fictional world of edited photos and I just looked around.
Even the most beautiful girl on instagram had struggles.
The perfect family photo was only perfect for the snap of the flash and then they were back to their imperfect and chaotic lives.
I had to actively stop and remind myself of the reality of life.
And as dumb as it sounds, I had to figure out a way to love and validate myself so that I didn't seek for it in other ways.
To be honest, I think that's what people struggle with the most these days - loving themselves.
Feeling good enough.
Being comfortable in their own skin.
Being ok with being alone.

The downfall to these feelings are the measures people go to in order to get that validation. If they can't find it within themselves, they seek for it from other people or other things.
I'm guilty of it.
The hardest days of my life were when I sacrificed parts of myself in an effort to feel worthy of someone's love and attention.
The problem with that is, you never find what you're looking for.
No amount of attention from the outside can fill what you're needing from the inside.

But let me confess something: the process of "self love" or "self discovery" wasn't easy & I still struggle daily.
(As i'm sure many do.)
It took letting someone rob me of all my worth, in order for me to realize how much I had to offer.
Hopefully not everyone has to endure that kind of agony in an attempt to gain their self confidence.
As Bishop Harris once told me, "Some people just need to touch the fire to learn. Others have to be engulfed in it." The latter part is me.
Every day gets better, though.
I think that our daily influences play a big part in who we are and it's much easier to love yourself when you're constantly surrounded by people who also love you.
Unfortunately there's no end destination for this process - it's something you have to work at every day and although my insecurities often get the best of me, I'm determined to keep growing. The alternative just isn't an option.

Now, do I still spend the majority of my time scrolling through my instagram feed? Yes.
Do I still post several times a week? Yes.
And to be honest, that probably won't change.
:)

I guess I can start with an update on life.

Life has been busy, exciting, stressful, blissful and exhausting.

No one day is ever the same  - there's always good intertwined with the bad & I'm trying to embrace that.

Some mornings start terribly and end better than I could have imagined, while the opposite may also occur. I'm always on my toes, and I guess that's the result of the job that I have.

I can say that I'm happy though.

Not the kind of happy I used to force through my smile to keep people from asking questions - this is a genuine happy, and it's been a while since I've felt it. 

Sometimes I look back on the last 18 months of my life and I just have to stop & say W T F.

How did I live in such darkness?

How did I survive that kind of pain and anguish?

Do I even deserve the happiness that I feel now?

Some days I wake up and I wonder what kind of hurricane is going to plow through my life and uproot every ounce of stability I've worked so hard to plant. 

I'm sure that isn't the best mindset to have, but after getting so used to such terrible days, it's hard to not wonder if all of my good days are limited.

I think that's just the anxious person in me, though.

If you know me, you know that my intensity level is always on high and that I'm almost always worried about something or someone.

Believe me, I wish that wasn't the case.

I warrant my own stress and I'm the sole cause of my own freak outs.

{I'm working on it, I promise.}

Nonetheless, I feel so grateful for the place that i'm at today.

My heart is bursting at the seems most days, my smile is unforced and constant and my faith in blessings continues to grow daily.

Sometimes I really struggle to find things worth writing about in here.

I don't have any cool fashion tips to give, I don't know how to contour make up and as much as I love working out, the extent of my fitness advice would be to not eat pizza as often as I do...

It seems as though the bar for blogging is constantly being raised and I feel a little intimidated to share any thoughts I have because, well, in all reality- who cares what I have to say?

The mundane nature of my everyday life doesn't exactly provide much writing material and my opinions about most subjects couldn't possibly bring excitement to anyone's ears. 

But then I have these moments where I have to remind myself that this isn't for anyone else.

I don't write to appease people.

 I don't do it in hopes of winning a nobel prize.

I do it because I enjoy it. 

Because I feel a sense of comfort in recording my thoughts, no matter how vulnerable they may be.

One of my favorite things to do is go back & read old posts from college... even though it's incredibly embarrassing as well.
I was so good at recording every memory, every hard day, every experience...
And while i'm fortunate for that, I'm saddened by the lack of memories I've locked into here these last few years.

So I'm challenging myself to start writing more...
I think I say that a lot, so I don't know how much validity my words hold, but I'm going to try.

I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect any differences that I share with others, but I want to be able to speak freely on this issue because it's weighing heavy on my heart.

There's a lot of bad things going on in the world lately, i'm sure we can all agree on this.

Every day i'm surprised by the things that I find on my facebook feed because every day i'm convinced that it can't get any worse.

When the situation at the zoo happened, where the little boy fell into the Gorillas exhibit, people immediately turned to Social media to place blame on anyone they could.

"The fence should have been more secure."
"The parents should have been paying better attention to their kid."

I was confused by all of the accusations that were filling my news feed. 

At no point while reading about that situation did I stop to think, "who's to blame here?" 

My immediate thoughts surrounded the little boy and how frightened he must have been.

I thought about his parents and how helpless they must have felt. How much they probably regretted taking their eyes off of him for even a second.

When did we start living in a world where accidents are no longer allowed, yet judgments and attacking accusations are so freely welcomed? 

And then the little boy & the alligator attack... again I found myself in awe at the things I was reading. 

"What kind of idiot parents would let their child play near water in FLORIDA?"

I couldn't fathom being the parents of that little boy, having lost their child in such a tragic accident, to then see their names plastered over the internet by people who are apparently perfect.

Where is the compassion? Where is the unity? Where is the sympathy? 

It's no wonder we live in a time where mental illness is so prevalent - look at the way we treat one another. 

It's easy to sit behind a computer screen and have an opinion about a situation that you weren't a part of, but did it ever cross your mind to stop & put yourself in their shoes? 

Why would we actively try to cause more pain in someones life with cruel and meaningless words that hold no validity? 

It's easy for us to unite and become one when terrorists attack, but when a tragic accident occurs, suddenly we all become experts on how the situation should have been handled and we waste our time fighting over facebook status's about it.

I'm sick about it.

I'm sad.
I'm worried.

"Try a little harder to be a little better."

We need to fight these battles together, not create a divide. 

One day it's going to be you who needs a little extra help, a little extra sympathy, and I hope that those around you will offer it. 

I know that I will.

It's been years since I've actively written in here so I am attempting to start again...

Seeing as how this is kind of like a diary to me, I feel that it's important that you know a little about me and who I am before I let you into my life so freely. :)

I'm 26 - single - and happy. 

I am extremely clumsy. The phrase "this is why we can't have nice things" is my life motto. I break everything, spill everything, lose everything, trip over everything, etc...

I hate confrontation. 

I don't like hurting people's feeling and I don't do sarcasm at the expense of putting someone down. 

I love my hair. Preferably curly.

I am super sensitive, but equally strong. When you hurt my feelings, I won't tell you because I can deal with it on my own.

I have no problem admitting my flaws. Pride is not an issue for me.

I like taking care of people; both a blessing & a curse.

With that, I hate asking for help. I don't like being a burden on others.

I very rarely eat breakfast. I know, I should, but I just don't. 

Diet Coke is and always will be a part of my life. (sometimes Dr. Pepper)

I'm terrible at making "on the spot" decisions. I like to think about things.

I'm a really good girlfriend, but really bad at the process prior to that. If you want to date me, you'll have to make it clear and make it happen because i'll never catch on.

I love pizza, probably more than the average person.

"Netflix & Chill" should be engraved on my tombstone. 

I always love and trust people way more than they deserve; but i'd rather be like that than the opposite.

Pregnancy freaks me out. I don't understand how something can just grow inside of you and I really don't want to understand. (I'm sure I won't feel that way forever) 

I need sleep. I am such a miserable person without it.

I like to plan. That doesn't mean I can't be spontaneous, I just like to plan when planning is necessary.

I don't understand bad people and I'm thankful for that, it means i'm not like them.

My facial expressions need to be controlled. I say everything i'm feeling from my face. 

I have an incredible relationship with God, even though I sin daily.

I easily get overwhelmed by the sadness of other people. I don't know how to disconnect my feelings from those of others.

I think that I come off as anti social sometimes, but i'm really just nervous when I'm around new people so I get stand off-ish.

On the other end of the spectrum, I am probably too loud and too chatty around people I'm comfortable with. (sorrynotsorry)

My biggest fears are sharks and kidnappers.

I used to get bad night terrors as a kid and still do at times.

I offer to drive almost everywhere I go. I like having my car with me. Plus I get car sick in the back.

I'm not patient. I say a lot of bad words in traffic. I hate when people are late.

Anytime I'm having a mid life crisis or go through a break up, I book a flight. (literally)

I love reality tv shows. 

My mom knows everything and is always right. (Believe me, I've tried to prove this theory wrong, it never works.)

I am the queen of taking pictures. Everyone complains about it but they also secretly love it. 

I talk to myself A LOT.

I love in whole measures, I forgive always, I apologize when needed, I give without taking and I always put myself in other people's shoes.

I'm not an incredibly insecure person but I'm also not incredibly confident; I just know who I am and what I have to offer and I know that one day that'll be enough for someone.